One Liner Jokes English

• 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
  
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  
• A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  
• A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  
• A day without sunshine is like, night.
  
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will
• look forward to the trip.
  
• A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
  
• All generalizations are false, including this one.
  
• All men are idiots, and I married their King.
  
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
  
• Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
  
• Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
  
• Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
  
• Assassins do it from behind.
  
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  
• Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
  
• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
  
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  
• Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
  
• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way,
•  when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
  
• Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
  
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
  Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
  
• Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
  
• C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
  
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  
• Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
  
• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  
• Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
  
• Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
  
• Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
  
• Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
  
• Death is hereditary.
  
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
  
• Did anyone see my lost carrier?
  
• Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
  
• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
  
• Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  
• Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
  
• Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
  
• Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
  
• Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
  
• Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
  
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get [how wude!]ed into jet engines.
  
• Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
  
• Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
  
• Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
  
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
  

• 

• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  
• Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
  
• Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
  
• For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  
• For Sale: Para[how wude!]e. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
  
• Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
  
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  
• Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
  
• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
  
• Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
  
• Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
  
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  
• Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
  
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  
• Honk if you want to see my finger.
  
• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
  
• How does Teflon stick to the pan?
  
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
  
• I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  
• I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
  
• I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  
• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  
• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
  
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  
• I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
  
• I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
  
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  
• I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
  
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
  
• I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
  
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  
• I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
  
• I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
  
• I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
  
• I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
  
• I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
  
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
  
• If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
  
• If you can't convince them, confuse them.
  
• If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
  
• If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.
  
• If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
  
• If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably
• worth it.
  
• If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
  
• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  
• IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
  
• It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
  
• It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
  
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  
• It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's
• newspaper, that's the time to do it.
  
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  
• Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
  
• Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an [no swearing please].
  
• Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
  
• Keep honking. I'm reloading.
  
• Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
  
• Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
  
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  
• Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  
• Montana: At least our cows are sane!
  
• More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
  
• Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
  
• My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
  
• My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
  
• Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
  
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  
• Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
  
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  
• Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
  
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  
• Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
  
• Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
  
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  
• Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
  
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  
• Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
  
• Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
  
• Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
  
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
  
• Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
  
• Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
  
• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
  
• Remember half the people you know are below average.
  
• Save the whales. Collect the whole set
  
• Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
  
• Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
  
• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  
• Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
  
• Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
  
• Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
•  
• Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
  
• Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
  
• Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
  
• Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
  
• Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
  
• The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now
• Santa Claus is missing.
  
• The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
  
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  
• The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
  
• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
  
• The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
  
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
  
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  
• The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
  
• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
  
• The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
  
• The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
  
• The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
  
• The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
  
• There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
  
• There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  
• There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
  
• Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
  
• Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
  
• Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
  
• Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
  
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
  
• Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
  
• Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
  
• Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
  
• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
  
• We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
  
• Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
  
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  
• What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
  
• What's the speed of dark?
  
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the
• wrong way.
  
• When there's a will, I want to be in it.
  
• When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
  
• Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
  
• Who stopped payment on my reality check?
  
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  
• Why is abbreviation such a long word?
  
• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  
• Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
  
• You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
  
• You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
  
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then
• used against you.
  
• You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
  
• Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  
• Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

By Biradar Mahi

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